I’ve read plenty of books and blogs and quotes and poems. Every writer will mention a calm that takes place/took place at some point in their life. Today, I knew exactly what they meant. Every previous form of calmness was blinded by the ora of pure, white kindness I felt today. It bleached out everything that has been troubling my mind and I can truly think of no word to describe it, because I’ve never experienced anything like it before.
I felt it at 5:45 this morning. I was waiting on my bus and asked myself:
Why are you so calm right now? Your truck is gone, you take the bus to work, your relationship is hanging on by a thread, you’re in debt and you haven’t bettered your education in any way. You’ll be 27 in a month and you haven’t worked in any way towards the career you really want. You’re best friend won’t talk to you, you moved away from all of the others and no one in your immediate presence appreciates you or values your company the way the friends you left did [this does not include you, Cassie, if you read this]. But you’re still smiling and hopeful. Most people would have quit at this point. Why are waiting for this bus right now? What is the purpose of continuing this?
The truth is, I didn’t really have a good answer. But, somehow, I know that without a doubt, I’ll be just fine. Not because I’m special or talented in any specific way but because the changes that have taken place recently, the inner-struggles that I have fought my entire life — they are all, suddenly, becoming clear. I’m no longer troubled by the person I’m not, but inspired by the person I’m capable of becoming. I have something to work towards. And it’s not that I expect it to be easy, I know it’s going to be quite the opposite. I know I will find myself on the floor curled up plenty of more times in my life.
But I’m not going to be that person any more than I’m going to be the person that inspires me. I will probably always balance between the two. I am a perfect whole. And with everything I’ve lost and the miles and miles that stretch ahead of me; I’m seeing it for the first time, very clearly, as a clean slate. We can take nothing with us forever in life any more than we can take the things we cherish in to death. I’ve spent my entire life clinging to my friendships and my relationships because I thought they were all I had. It’s wonderful to value your friends and family — to be there for them and to go to them when you need them most. But it’s entirely different when you define yourself through your friendships and your relationships. And that’s all I’ve ever done. I’ve always tapped my foot to my own rhythm but I’ve never attempted to do it solo. I’ve always needed the backing vocals and other instruments to harmonize with.
For the first time in my 26 years, I have no reflective surfaces in my life. No one to mirror myself against and say: You’re a good person, look at the wonderful friends you have and all they do for you. No one to reassure me (aside from my mother) or remind me of the wonderful things I am (aside from my mother).
And while I thought it meant I’d be a shitty person if I lost any of the people who comforted me in that fashion, it didn’t happen that way. I was simply flooded with the reality that that’s life sometimes. I could win the lottery and give it all to charity but that doesn’t mean there aren’t others still suffering. In actuality, my dependency on the friendships I’ve lost cheapened the value of every kind gesture I made. This doesn’t make me feel like a bad person though, the only person I feel like is the one growing in to someone that can handle the pains and still keep their head up. The person that sees the changes they need to make and works towards changing them. The person who’s had their heartbroken more than once but still believes in romance and love. The person who can take a shitty situation and pull something positive from it. The person, who despite every setback, still believes they are capable of wonderful things.
This isn’t an easy person to be, and knowing that comforts me because of all the things that are wrong in my life, I must have done something right if I still have this much confidence in my character.