I Saw The Light, And It Was Good

My entire life is about to change.  I’ve made plenty of decisions in my adult life, but this is the first time I’ve ever put myself before love.  It’s a miserable and liberating feeling. It’s terrifying and comforting.  It’s an opportunity to change, to grow and to shake the childhood notions of growing up to the ground.  I’ve waited long enough.  I’m an embarrassment to myself but that’s okay.  It’s not permanent and I’m not too old to start a different life.  At first I feared I’d be hardened and damaged but, no, that’s not the case.  In fact, I’m stepping away from everything with a better idea of how things should be and I know exactly what I’m looking for in love and in life.

Sure, right now I feel the cushion beneath me, but it will be a long road to recovery and I fear I’ve just lost my best friend and that’s okay too.  It’s not but it’s part of life sometimes and it goes on.  The more I begin to accept this all, the lighter it will become.  Some days will be easier than others.  And I have no doubt I’ll grow in to someone better from all of the pain I’m going to endure.  I’m not ready and I am.  My life is about to become a bunch of playlists of really, horribly sad music.  But misery enjoys company and I’m no exception.

While I may be losing someone very important to my life, I’m also gaining something, a sort of self-respect and confidence that I’ve never known.  And my journal has been flooded with beautiful words that I haven’t seen in years.  And it feels right and good and positive.  I am documenting my life to remind myself that yes, this is the right decision.  No matter how painful it is and how much I don’t want to fill pages and pages with miserable words; they’re wonderful fragments of something I’ll never have to suffer through again and the pain is written beautifully (nothing like the garbage I write on here).

If only I could always feel this positive, but life is not that simple and it never will be.  There will always be ups and downs and decisions to be made.  However, this, I know is the right decision and I know they won’t always be so easy to decipher.
Today, I am thankful for having a positive attitude about a terribly shitty situation.
Cheers to good friends :]

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